I am working on a mathematical topic that is basically my own concoction. I have days where even the simplest thing takes ages to do and I realize that's because, deep down, I am terrified that things might not work out. This is in different way: I am scared my topic might not be novel enough, appreciated etc. ; I am also scared that checking parts of proofs will reveal catastrophic mistakes.
I rationally realize that this is part of the game and I do my best to take mistakes I find as good news that my work is improving, but at times I am just paralyzed and unable to do things.
I am also bothered by the presence of colleagues in my office, afraid they might judge my work (and at the same time going to a hidden place in the library helps a little but is also very annoying and uncomfortable).
I am sure this must be, to a different degree, experienced by many PhD students.
What are some strategies to fight fear as you work?
Note that I realize there really is a deeper confidence issue and I am already seeking help for that. I'd be happy to hear considerations on the possibility of therapy or counseling and how it worked for you as well as day to day tips and strategies.
Answer
To some degree or another, the feelings you describe are common in graduate students (and other people). Here are some comments from around the Internet, for example:
FEAR !!
I self diagnosed this of myself just this week to explain my behaviour for the last 6 months . I called it boredom, annoying , painful etc but actully I am afraid to progress because someone might say”not good enough”. I am engaged in a systematic review and all I have to do now is read (albeit systematically) but simle right ?
I just applied for some funding and as I drew out my timeline for the project I thought “will I or can I actually do this”? The answer of course is I can but if my will is left up to me I am fearful I’ll self destruct !!!! There I go again fearing!!
(Marese kelly on Thesis Whisperer)
I just can't do it. I've spent the last month rewriting the first paragraph over and over. Yet, it is still not good enough. When I sit in front of my computer I usually feel paralyzed with fear. This might sound bizarre, but it is true. Yesterday I felt more courage than the average day. I worked on my thesis for hours. Yet, at the end of the day, I was still in the first paragraph. I didn't used to be like this. Believe it or not I was an outstanding student. Now I don't even dare to discuss science with my colleagues, I might say something stupid.
(jesuisperdu on reddit)
I have sweated in the fear of failure, and all I can say is that this fear continues even after you have passed the doctorate. In fact, that’s when the fear of failure can be worst! Because now you have to take your research and creative work out of the sheltered workshop of the academy and impress not just a couple of examiners, your supervisor and an academic panel, but people who will put down money (hopefully) into your ideas and research.
(On 100 days to the doctorate & beyond)
Many of the fears described by you and the people I quoted above, are about how you may be perceived by others. One thing that people with this kind of fear sometimes find helpful is to identify when they are feeling fear of being judged, then remind themselves about the realistic standards by which people in their position are judged. In your particular situation:
- Nobody* expects you or others in your position to never say or write something that is mistaken or uninformed.
- Nobody* expects you or others in your position to have a thesis topic that revolutionizes the field, to win a Nobel prize for your thesis.
- Nobody* expects you or others in your position to constantly dazzle with your brilliance.
- Nobody* expects you or others in your position to win every award you are put up for, to rack up hundreds of citations on your published work, to get the highest possible scores on student evaluations of your teaching... you see where I'm going with this.
You may also find some of the material in this Perspectives on Perfectionism series helpful. (Even if your fears are not exactly perfectionism, they are similar in many ways and similar strategies may help you.) In particular, the exercises in Challenging my Perfectionistic Thinking (such as the "Thought Diaries") and Adjusting Unhelpful Rules & Assumptions (especially worksheet on Page 8) may be useful.
* Nobody reasonably expects this. There may be some people with unreasonable expectations, but it's really not worth concerning yourself with what they think :)
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