This is perhaps less a question and more of a cautionary tale, but I've seen a few people asking how best to talk to their supervisor about mental health and I wanted to share my experience with this and perhaps get some advice for if I find myself in a similar situation further down the line.
So, to give a little context, I am a female student who has just completed her viva. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. For the most part, my PhD went well, I was happy to follow my supervisor's guidance and tried my best at everything she asked. As time went on though, depression and anxiety started creeping in. By the time I got close to handing in, I was seriously depressed, bordering on suicidal, and was having near daily panic attacks at the thought of facing my supervisor. It also took me a long time to get help, my supervisor was very much of the 'just work harder to get over it' mentality and I ended up adopting that for myself. I couldn't really be depressed; obviously I just needed to work harder.
Fast forward to having handed my thesis in. My supervisor was advertising a post doc position, built on the results from my PhD. She was very keen on me applying for this post, telling me multiple times that she was happy to hand it to me on a plate, as it were. I, however, couldn't face another three years of working with her. I had finally started getting help for my depression and, although I wanted to get better, I was very aware of the fact that remaining in my current situation would not be helpful. I didn't want to be rude, and simply not apply for this postdoc, so I sent my supervisor an email.
Dear {supervisor} I have decided not to apply for the postdoc you have advertised, but I felt I owed you an explanation for my decision. I understand that you need the best person possible to fill this role in order to do the project justice and to produce the best science possible, and at the present time I do not feel I can be that person. This has not been an easy decision to make as the project is both an interesting and exciting topic, which would allow me to develop all the work from my PhD. I have spent a lot of time weighing up the options, but I cannot honestly apply for the role and give it my best. My mental health has been deteriorating for some time now, and this combined with other stress-related problems means that I cannot commit to a long-term role at this point. I have seen a doctor and am currently having sessions with a therapist to help work through these issues, and I hope in time I will be able to return to a healthy state. At present, however, I do not feel that I can honestly apply for the role, and I hope you will accept my apologies for disappointing you.
I appreciate all the help and guidance you have provided during my PhD studies, and I am very thankful to you for providing me with this opportunity. Of course, I will still do my best in readying the remaining chapters for publication and in preparing for my viva. I just cannot commit to a future role at this point. In conclusion, although my current health problems prevent me from applying for the role, I wish you all the best with this project and hope you find an eminently suitable candidate.
In hindsight, this perhaps was not the best move. Since the subsequent meeting following this email the supervisor has been increasingly angry with me. She has told me that my behaviour is unacceptable, and that anyone else would have fired me. If I make mistakes, she accuses me of behaving maliciously towards her and tells me that I am unqualified for a career in science. She has also told me several times that she can't possibly write a reference for me, despite my good work for the majority of my PhD, because she doesn't know if that is the real me or whether instead I am a nasty manipulative person.
In some respects, very little of this matters. I have been offered a job outside of academia, which I am looking forward to starting, and have recently worked with a conservation organisation who are more than happy to give me a good reference. I have also passed my PhD, and have no corrections to make. I do, however, still have to interact with this supervisor, as she wants to publish work from my PhD and I am worried that, unless I am involved in the process, she will not include me as a co-author.
I would like to get some feedback, though, on how common this sort of reaction to mental health problems is in academia. I know that the percentage of the academic community with mental health problems is disproportionately high, and that it is important that more people are open about mental health. Is it something that is still viewed as a weakness in academia, though? I don't want to believe that is the case, but I do want to advise caution for anyone thinking about telling their supervisor something like this.
I also want to encourage anyone who is struggling with their mental health to seek help. It's really important that you don't try to deal with something like this alone. You can't fix your mental health just by working harder. Furthermore, it is not a weakness. It is an illness, a medical condition. Just like a broken bone or a fever, a mental health problem is not your fault.
Just to clarify, in case anyone is worried, K Grayson is a pseudonym.
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