graduate school - Points to consider when deciding whether to get married during a PhD

Marriage is a recurrent topic in the lives of most PhDs. The meagre pay and the burden of responsibility could make marriage in the middle of PhD look like a terrible idea. But on the positive side, marriage gives one an intimate companion in a long and bleak journey. The pay hurdle could also be overcome if the partner finds a job.

While eventually it is a personal decision for the couple based on their commitment and readiness, what are the points to remember when one thinks of getting married in the middle of a PhD?

Answer

If you've found the right person to marry in graduate school, what's the alternative? Getting married as a postdoc or tenure-track faculty member is also difficult, since you still have a lot of career pressure and uncertainty. It won't go over well to say "I love you, but let's wait until I have tenure to get married," since that's way too far in the future, and I don't see any real advantage to saying "let's wait until I'm a postdoc."

Before marrying a non-academic, it's important to make sure they understand some of the basic parameters of academia:

1. 
   

   The job market is incredibly competitive. Harvard probably won't hire you even if everyone agrees you're really smart, and getting a job at a less prestigious university is not a form of career failure. Indeed, just the opposite is true: any career progress in academia is a success that should be celebrated.

   
   



2. 
   

   There is a national, and even international, job market with universities in many locations, but that doesn't mean you can choose where you want to live. Instead, it means you need to apply everywhere and take what you can get. Unless you are really lucky, having an academic career may require living somewhere you do not consider desirable, and you won't even be able to predict in advance where that might be.

   
   


3. 
   

   Having a successful research career requires a lot of work, but it's a little different from many demanding jobs because the work is mostly self-imposed. You need to do it, but nobody is specifying what, when, or how. This can lead to resentment since everything you spend time on seems like a choice, rather than an externally imposed requirement. So you need a partner who is not inclined towards jealousy over time commitments.

   
   

If these issues are not an obstacle, then it's reasonable to get married whenever seems appropriate.