work life balance - Any advice about having children during grad school, from the perspective of (a) female grad students and (b) students without stay-at-home partners?

I've seen a lot of "kids-in-grad-school" advice that's geared towards male PhD students with stay-at-home wives. I'm a female MD PhD student married to a male MD PhD student, and neither of us is going to quit our career. We are both willing to put in the time needed to raise a family.

I'm interested in hearing from the following perspectives (EDITED FOR MORE DETAIL): (a) For women who had kids while they were in graduate school -- how did you decide on when to have kids? earlier in grad school vs. later? (since pregnancy can be very difficult for some women e.g. severe morning sickness, I think optimal timing could potentially differ depending on if the grad student is male or female.) Also, how did you approach being pregnant in an academic environment? (i.e. did anyone harass you as being 'less dedicated'? I know this is not a reason NOT to have kids, but I'm just curious about it. Men who are expecting a child can keep it a secret. Women can't keep it a secret because everyone they meet including total strangers can see that they're pregnant after a certain point.)

(b) For men or women who had kids while they were in graduate school and did NOT have a stay-at-home partner - how did you deal with childcare? Reason for asking: if you have a stay-at-home partner, childcare for the bulk of the day has already been solved. If you don't have a stay-at-home partner, it's a very big issue. So - what approach did you take? (e.g. alternating schedules between caregivers? nanny? au pair? daycare? relatives? friends? babysitters?)

This question is different from Advice for having children during graduate school because the vast majority of those answers are written from male perspectives and from perspectives of people with stay-at-home partners.

Answer

I will answer based on my experience and that of approx. 4 other women in my department who had kids (without stay-at-home spouses) during our PhD program.

For women who had kids while they were in graduate school -- how did you decide on when to have kids? Earlier in grad school vs. later?

There were a variety of approaches, but I think the key is to have children in a year where deadlines are flexible. So one of the students had a child very early (while taking classes) because there was no hard stop on when the classes had to be done by, and she could basically take a semester off from classes without real consequences. Three of us had children during the 3rd and 4th years when we were expected to work on our dissertations. Some were a bit ahead and didn't need to stretch the time to degree as a result of the pause, and some, like me, did. I think this was the best timing because we had a good foundation in the program/relationship with our advisors but were in a very flexible time period. I also had a fellowship for that year so it made funding easier. The person who had a child during the job market year had the hardest time, since those deadlines are non-negotiable.

Also, how did you approach being pregnant in an academic environment? (i.e. did anyone harass you as being 'less dedicated'?

I stressed a lot about this. My approach was to foreground my research and academic plans in all conversations, while backgrounding my pregnancy. I set meetings with my advisors to discuss the pregnancy and presented it as a scheduling challenge - I am going to have a period of decreased productivity because I am pregnant so here is my proposed plan to stay on track. Here is what you can expect from me in the next 6 months to get ahead as much as possible, etc. I found this worked really well. When people asked in the hall about how I was doing I gave them a positive research-related answer, not a pregnancy answer. The only person who gave a poor reaction was the Director of Graduate Studies, who assumed that the pregnancy meant I would be targeting lesser positions. I corrected him, of course. If he had any real sway over my life I would have made sure my committee knew about it and could discuss the issue with him. I think that others had a similar mix of reactions... mostly supportive with some "lesser expectations" attitudes that needed to be countered.

How did you deal with childcare?

With the exception of one person with nearby relatives, all of us paid for the best childcare we could afford (nanny or day care). You want peace of mind, trust, and communication--and that often means $$. We all made sure to set a consistent schedule (baby likes consistency). We differed in how soon we came back to work and how many hours per week we worked. That is a personal choice and based on your goals and work required to achieve those goals.