Fifth year math grad student as of this Fall. ABD, currently on target for six years in total.
I have very strong feelings about the way courses should be taught, graded, and organized. I have thought extensively about this issue and experiment with my teaching every chance that I get.
I teach my own course, and spend lots of time on teaching it the right way (according to me). This includes designing my own course plans from scratch, planning engaging lectures, writing my own problem sets, projects, and homework assignments. I also tend to give too much individual attention to students, like holding extra office hours when students have schedule conflicts.
My teaching philosophy is fundamentally at odds with the majority of the lecturers in the department. It makes me feel like a pariah, and privately makes me feel incensed when I see others teaching in a way that I consider unethical. Though I'm not vocal about my disagreements, I have been consistently passed over for teaching awards, despite constant effort, innovation, and shining student evaluations. I wish I didn't care about this.
I know I'm being paid the same as other apathetic TAs who give every lecture off the cuff, assign whichever book problems are easiest to grade, and contribute as little to the education of their students as their contracts will allow. I'm not being paid to be a lecturer, but I'm giving at least a lecturer's effort to this job.
Most importantly, I know that putting this much time, effort, and emotional energy into teaching is taking away from my research. Sometimes I feel terribly guilty after a big exam or project because I realize I haven't even looked at my research in a couple of weeks. My advisor hasn't said anything negative about my progress, but I know I could be doing better.
Every time I try to pull back and adopt a more traditional model, I get depressed and frustrated, because my students aren't learning anything, I'm as bored as they are, and I wonder what the point of my existence even is if I'm just going to give up and be another trash teacher who goes through the motions all day. Especially when I have the ability to be the change I wish to see in academia. (Which maybe isn't my place, but then again, everybody passes the buck, that's why we have this problem.)
How do I get myself to step back and refocus my efforts onto research?
Please note that this differs from this question in that I am not asking whether or not it is possible to balance teaching and research, but specifically on how, emotionally, to scale back a focus on teaching for one who has begun to let it eclipse his research. I know I am making a mental error due to idealism, and I'm trying to figure out how to break out of it.
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